Mystery Cookie

Since my last topic was death, I thought it would be appropriate to discuss a closely related topic: dating.

When did the whole concept of “dating” begin? It appears that the idea of romantic “love” first appeared when the Troubadours came on the scene. They were one of the first groups to break with tradition and allow people to choose their mates. Previously all marriages were arranged.

In some parts of the world this tradition lives on.

There are some advantages to arranged marriages. For example, if a woman were to make a decision on a lifetime partner at the tender age of eighteen she may not be considering the full ramifications of that decision. In theory, her mother and father may make a wiser decision since they have more life experience.

This is how it has been done for many thousands of years. The family matches up the couples at the mutual agreement of both parents. This means that marriage often represents familial relationships as much as it does a union of two individuals. The european aristrocracies during the Middle Ages are good examples of this at work.

The exact opposite is true in the United States where our focus is on the individual and their personal freedoms. That means were saddled with the very difficult decision of choosing a lifetime mate. Which is not a bad thing, since freedom to choose is a gift that was handed down through the sacrificed lives of many patriots.

Given our freedom to choose a mate, how does one decide?

Well, there are a lot of considerations. The most obvious, and the one that most males will focus on almost exclusively (to their detriment) is the woman’s exterior appearance. While it’s true there is some biological indicators that make us more or less attracted to certain people, it’s not true that those indicators will make for a successful marriage. If that were the case models who marry models and actors who marry actors would have wildly successful marriages.

Instead, we’re left with other factors that will have a much bigger impact on the success of marriage. Why do I keep talking about marriage when the topic is dating? Well, that’s because dating is a preliminary step to marriage. Just like walking into a restaurant is a preliminary step to eating.

Every time we date we’re asking the question, “Would this person make a good spouse?” Even if we’re not asking it out loud, it’s implied.

If you spend a few minutes reading profiles of females on the internet you’ll see a few things that jump out at you: likes to laugh, takes care of himself, isn’t afraid to share his feelings, etc.

But in real life things don’t break down easily along “likes” and “dislikes”. When you’re with a complete stranger you’re probably not going to “share your emotions”. More likely, you’re going to be a nervous wreck hoping that you don’t do anything that will turn the other person off.

So in the standard dating scenario it is very difficult to get enough information upon which to make a long term decision. Typically this means whether you’re going to date that person again. If that first date doesn’t go well (even if you are all those things they seek) it’s very unlikely you’ll get a shot at it again.

We are a society that wants immediate gratification. While your friends may have taken a lifetime to forge, when it comes to dating you have at best a few hours. Unlike friendships you’re not going to be given many opportunities to impress (or depress) those around you.

That makes the stakes incredibly high. Since we’re used to getting a quick “yes/no” answer to the extent it is a “maybe” that is usually translated into a “no”. We have fast food, fast lanes, and fast oil changes because we just don’t have time.

Right?

And it’s possible that because we take so little time to come to an educated decision that so few marriages are successful. If your friend does something wrong, rather than simply never talking to them again, you’ll point it out so that they won’t do it again.

How many times does that happen in a dating situation? If the date makes a mistake or says the wrong thing then all too often it’s game over. The assumption is that where is the smoke there is fire. If you are wrong in one area you must therefore be wrong in all areas.

The problem is people are not static. We’re always changing. When Michael Jordan first picked up a basketball he wasn’t very good. So if you were to simply see him shooting as a kid you probably wouldn’t be too impressed, but if you stuck around and watched that kid mature you’d see him turn into one of the best basketball players of all time.

How many people who would have gone on to be great husbands and wives were passed up simply because they weren’t given enough time? This leads me to the cliche of “timing is everything.”

I’m not talking about a man who beats his girlfriend, or farts non-stop in the car despite repeated requests to stop. I’m talking about the person who just doesn’t quite seem to be the thing that is rolling around in your mind. Who is traded in for the “actor” who pretends to be what you want during the 4 hour period in which you’ll make your decision.

But what are the odds you’re going to happen along when they’ve made all the adjustments and can be that great mate you’ve been seeking your whole life? The odds are fairly low.

Just like you wouldn’t eat an apple before it’s ripe, you won’t marry a spouse that isn’t ready. But that doesn’t mean it won’t be a great apple given a little time.

But time is the one thing we seem to have very little of in our society. We’re busy people.
So in a world where there seems to be a shortage of ripe apples, every day we pass up nearly ripe apples in the search of perfect ripeness. Of course, perfection is something to be sought but never grasped.

So my thoughts on dating are simple: it takes time.

There is no short cut to spending time with someone to see their personalities shine. Given time you’ll also be able to see them growing right before your eyes… becoming that person who is closer to the ideal in your imagination.

Maybe patience is a virtue after all?

This entry was posted on Friday, November 10th, 2006 at 8:23 pm and is filed under Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.